Displaced person

Has the Fairy Queen mentioned that she is a black and white sort of person? Gray areas and ambiguity and uncertainty are not her thing. But right now she's swimming in all that, as it is June, the time to be on the cusp of things.

Five more days at school with kiddos. One of the many things they don't tell you at teacher school is that every single year it breaks your heart to let them go. I said that to Phrodaux yesterday and he said, "Really? Even that first year, the year you cried EVERY DAY?" Yes, even then, because the good ones got drowned out by the bad and partly I cried for how much I needed to learn and how much better I needed to be.

But this year, THIS year I won the teacher lottery: lovely children, nice parents, the world's best assistant. A combination that doesn't come around very often. One that made me close my door and keep my head down while colleagues were dealing with lousy version of all those things. So on the last day of school, when I go down the line at 3:12 and say to every single kiddo, "Hug or handshake?" I will shake and embrace while fighting back tears because I got to learn and grow with these particular children and now they disperse, never to be "mine" again.

So one gray cuspy kind of thing is that this week floats between real school and not. We will do some work but we will also have field day and go to the movies (!) and eat green-frosted cupcakes to celebrate Hulk-smashing the horrible tests and make paper airplanes and show off at our classroom Expert Day and clean up our Google drives and play.

And then, at 3:15 on Friday, they go. I work a little more, then on the following Wednesday it is summer vacation even for me. Which is why, right now, I don't quite know how to be. Teacher self or regular self? In charge of things person, or let it all go? Person too tired to contemplate major projects or well-rested person with all the time in the world?

I'm the first one of all those choices but can see the others out of the corner of my eye: soon, soon. But the transition isn't seamless. Without a pile of schoolwork in my capacious teacher bag, I feel sort of twitchy. Endless hours to read and putter? What? And the kids will show up in my dreams for a while, crashing or thriving or just doing what they do and the insane part is that you never really get to know if you had any effect at all. Letting go of outcomes is NOT my thing. I hate that part.

I know, I know, such a problem to have: brain melt before a few weeks off. I am shutting up about it, promise. In mere days, I will take some Mo advice: roll around in the grass, then take a nap. Everything will be clearer after that.