Bill Gates ain't got nothin' on us...

(be forewarned, this is the post of the damned. It was started back in dark dark days of midspring, was doomed to that purgatory of "can't quite get the damned thing done", then suffered from "moron forgot to save it and much was lost and had to be pulled from that colander you call brain", you might already feel a chill, a coldness of the soul, a weakening of the vapors, a strange numbness of the loins, or maybe you put on the fairy queen's underpants by mistake, it can happen, don't judge)

now let's begin...

(His mom was from "THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! F-yah!", and there is some story about her being from Jerome, AZ. Not the Jerome in England, but the one near Mexico... there was a copper mine where they found the only sample of Cu4O3 found in nature, look it up, we be all about the edutainment here at Phrodaux and the Fairy Queen) 

You know what I love about the British, besides Doctor Who, their fondness for the comedic value of the nekid backside of middle aged men, and Dame Edna? {FQ Sidebar to Phrodaux: Dame Edna is Australian, dear.} {{Phr return sidebar - Commonwealthians}}

(the dame has left the building, not dead- wow, way to go dark, just retired, a girl needs her time away, ever notice that Winston Churchill and Dame Edna are never seen together, kinda like Clark Kent and Superman, Superman robots don't count, just tossing that out there.... )

The British!

They were in India (that is not the good part, who do you think we are? monster. Pakistan.) and when they all got malaria and needed quinine as a "tonic" they thought "blimey (as the Brits are in the habit of saying on 'merican sitcoms), you know what would go well with having malaria and taking a tonic of quinine? GIN! and maybe a splash of lime!"

That is much like the time I needed penicillin (no, not for that as far as you know) and thought that it would make a nice mixer with tequila (I was not only wrong, but still infected).

I know, get to the f-ing point.

...you should feel bad, as tonic was the point.

We not only made our own bitters (see previously posted ramblings) and our own "gin" (not really to be spoken of in mixed company, and when I say mixed I mean, more than just talking to myself, rommel, rommel, there might have been Saki involved) We made our own Tonic! with quinine and everything! (I tested it with my home made UV light, because, you know, I'm cool, home made UV light cool)

(what I really want to know is what happened to the Grimace's other two arms? was there some sort of hot apple pie accident that no one in McDonaldsland was to speak of ever again? or that one time that Officer Big Mac went off the book, and a much less happy meal, "do you feel lucky punk? do you want fries with that or should we just super size this sh!t")

ok. things got dark. let's talk about our feelings and maybe sing a song about how McDunderland is not "real".

(side note from future me, not the me that wrote most of this post above sometime in early April weird that I was on about the hamburgler, then sometime in early May, before I posted, the McDevils came out with the new and creepy pedo hamburgler who lived in the suburbs? WTF?!?! even more WaDaFaque than missing Grimace arms, not to mention those weird breast like pockets on his ribbed for pleasure fat folds that he kept the stolen shakes in... ewww.) (here is another note from future me to past me, make sure you save your changes, when you reboot you will lose a whole bunch and this damn post will be put off until f-ing late June)


hey!

We made tonic!

 

(Am I the only one a little turned on now?)

We may or may not have met Witchy Poo in the process [did I mention that Sid and Marty sued McDamian's for more or less (it was more, way) stealing H.R. Puffinstuff for McPurgatoryland? no? ask me about it sometimes, fascinating shite that there is...]

TONIC!

(apropo of nothing, this is a picture of a formerly happy, happy dog, who is about to be much less happy and much more manic as he is heading toward the third bath of the weekend. Thus came the often quoted phase "these are not Lake Oswego Westies")

We mostly followed the recipe by Jeffrey Morgenthaler, but as it might have been mentioned, Phrodaux may have issues with following recipes, so not so strictly Jeffrey's recipe, and not so strictly repeatable, but we all have issues. That damn flute wasn't really a flute now was it...teenage boys and all, even the British ones).

Did I mention tonic?

(I may need a moment here)

RECIPE! damn it! RECIPE!

(yes, looks kinda nasty, smells wonderful, kinda like Ernest Borgnine who apparently smelled like Belgium...waffles... prove me wrong)

mix some stuff together, it will smell good, look like cat vomit, but get over it. Boil, cool, filter, add some more stuff, more filter, put in oh-so-fancy bottles, mix with ice, lime, gin, a bit more gin, some soda water, and some gin.

maybe a bit more detail. TONIC RECIPE!

here is his basic recipe, you should go look at his site, we may be bad people, but not completely horrible.

 

(full frunctal citrus nuditity...chicka wow...woah)  

4 cups water
1 cup chopped lemongrass
¼ cup powdered cinchona bark
zest and juice of 1 orange
zest and juice of 1 lemon
zest and juice of 1 lime
1 tsp whole allspice berries
¼ cup citric acid
¼ tsp Kosher salt
agave nectar,  roughly 3/4 cup per cup of other goo.

 (cinchona bark, no matter how many times the measuring scoop goes through the dishwasher the film of powder remains. Don't taste it. Phrodaux did, see next picture)

(it was bitter, so bitter my beard fell out and I became an old woman... sphincter.)

Like I say, recipe-ish. I add a bit of dried citrus zest, sometimes orange, sometimes lime, sometimes something I find behind the old cookbooks that talk about "aspic".

then maybe random spice, but random is as random does... plate of shrimp.

Boil all the ingredients except the agave, turn down to low and let steep for ~20ish mins.

then let cool, filter.

here is where we and Herr Mixologist Morgenthaler "differ" he says filter, you can use coffee filters, it might take an hour. Have you seen "Interstellar"?  hour on his planet=3 days on ours. And "coffee filter"="half a pack of 1000 coffee filters" swapped out every 7 mins over three days. Just go ahead and quit your job (it will kinda be worth it).

  

(I guess I live here now)

Since this batch we actually found a "reusuable cold coffee filter" at the grocery store, seems to work like a champ. Fill with stuff to filter, squish like you're squishing something squishy that really, really needs squishing (king of metaphor, thank you very much), and Bob's your uncle, done (my Uncle was named "Joe")

once it is filtered, Jeffrey (can we call you Jeffrey? I feel close to you now) says to reheat the filtered liquid, then add 3/4 cup of agave syrup to every cup of other goo. This tends to make it a bit sweet for us, but still. I also am not sure about the need for reheating. Seemed to disolve pretty good without, but so.

Let said mixture cool, put in fancy, fancy bottles to impress the townsfolk. Don't fill when still hot as you don't wanna go breaking the bottle, or my heart, you could even if you tried.

(this would be the musical interlude. Kiki Dee, Kiki Dee, Kiki Dee. I may have just summoned Ms. Mattews)

you might say "But Phrodaux, how does one use this tonic in everyday life such as mine, my life being all beige and less interesting than yours?" to which I would say "no, I am not interested in an extended warranty on my 25 year old car, how did you get this number?" Then I would say...

 (the fruits of our labors, the cocktails of our labors, the fruit cocktails of our labors... plate of shrimp...I may be batman)

Recipe! (two in one post, I should really stretch first)

Tumbler about half full of ice.
(start with that it will make the rest nice and frosty
2 parts gin.
1 part tonic (you made this, don't you feel proud?!?!)

(DO NOT PUT CHICKEN IN YOUR GIN AND TONIC!)

 A bit of lime zest (do this before next step) it makes it fancy, we are all about the fancy. Just a twist.
The juice of a lime (harder to zest once juiced).

The tears of a small child who gets no chicken for dinner... (optional)

Drink at dusk, sitting on porch,  watching the shift change from swifts to bats, while discussing trivial matters of the day (or as spell check tried to make this, "tribal matters of the day", your choice. I prefer trival matters as it goes better with gin and shaking your fist at random cars that dare drive past.

You will love this, once you get over the fact that it is a) nothing like "tonic water" found in stores b) brown c) less sweet (depending on the amount of agave you add) and d) just better. If you don't think so, we feel a bit sorry for you, you might need professional help, or maybe a telethon.

 

(I may need another moment)